Family

A week ago today, my grandmother – Grandma Peg – passed away peacefully. Losing a grandparent is always an odd thing in that the grandparent-grandchild relationship very commonly is that of unconditional love and fun; a relationship that is difficult to replicate with anyone else. Your parents offer unconditional love but there is a lot of discipline, chores and other such nonsense involved. Grandparents just spoil you. At least Grandma Peg did. Sure, she also was the moral compass of our family, a true matriarch with conservative values and framed pictures of the Bush clan in her house. But after her strong relationship with God, she valued her family the most despite any troubles we ran into.

She loved talking about our strong family history and she meticulously put together a hand-written family tree on the back of wallpaper – a tree that covered a wall in her basement. She had an engraved family tree made with birthstones, representing her growing family of five children and their spouses, 12 grandchildren and their spouses, and nearly 15 (I’ve lost count!) great-grandchildren.

I know people who give up on baby books but not Grandma Peg. With five children, a family business she helped support and an active church member, she meticulously created baby books for all of her children and “Grandma Remembers” books for all of her grandchildren. She kept shoe boxes filled with our photos, drawings, school reports, etc and included them in the scrapbooks.

Rob, Tessa and I traveled back to Wisconsin last week for her funeral; to pay respect to this wonderful woman. I had the opportunity to walk around her house by myself and in silence. So many memories flooded back. My grandparents had been written up in the local newspaper when they celebrated their 50^th wedding anniversary. I was visiting them in Wisconsin when the photo shoot took place and walking by those framed photos made me smile with warm remembrance. Walking through her basement and past the pool table, I remembered the time my cousin Heidi got her elbow stuck in one of the table holes and Grandma Peg greased and rubbed her arm out with loving care. And sitting at her kitchen table, I remembered just talking. Grandma Peg was blessed with the ability to gab and having grown up during the depression and having had so many life experiences, she was a joy to listen to and I always walked away having learned something.

Grandma Peg never met Tessa, something that deeply disappoints me. However, before she died I was able to talk to her on the phone. I told her about Tessa and that I had sent pictures to her. She said she had seen them. I told my grandmother that I loved her, that I had a wonderful little family with Rob and Tessa and that I was happy. It meant a lot to me to share my family happiness with her since she valued it so much as well. She said she loved me too.

Right before Rob and I left for the airport, I woke up Tessa from a nap she was having on my grandmother’s bed. It felt like life had come full circle to see my little baby sleeping where my grandmother had not so long ago. And at that moment, it was as if the two did meet and Tessa was able to experience Grandma Peg’s love, presence and rich family history. It seems we now have an angel watching over us all.

I want my happy baby back. Seriously. Like STAT. I miss her soooo much. She has been terribly sick for nearly a month of her 4-month life and it’s breaking her mama’s (that’s me!) heart.

It started as a cough, went into a double ear infection, then she was healed (Hallelujah!) for a few days (damnit) and then got a really bad cough, the ear infection is STILL present – WTH? – and snot is running freely. Why? Why God? Why?

And to top it off . . . we’re flying to Wisconsin (where the high is 21 degrees) tomorrow.

The only saving grace is that Rob isn’t sick. If I had a sick husband AND baby . . . man, life wouldn’t be pleasant.

But we’re all ready for the trip. Packed. Yay. And in case you’re wondering, yes, you can spend over $100 on travel-sized baby supplies at CVS. Who knew? We have baby vapor rub, diaper cream, baby Tylenol, baby gas relief, her antibiotic, numbing ear drops, you get the picture. And, yes, it did total just over $100. Whatever. I need to feel prepared. And you know how people say knowledge is power? Well, for me those little bottles are my power. Power to the mama!

Wish us luck!

The decision to baptize Tessa was and wasn’t harder than I thought. There have been times in my life when I figured “of course I’ll baptize my kid” and times when I rebelled against the machine and would be horrified to do such a thing – I mean who was I to make such a big decision on behalf of another human being?!

So the decision forced me to reflect on my own experiences as a baptized Catholic. What did it mean to me? Was it necessary?

Like many people, there have been times in my life when my faith brought me much-needed comfort and other times when life’s troubles made me question faith altogether. I’ve also questioned religion in general because of the overwhelming death and devastation it has created.

But at the same time, I – always – come – back.

I always end up returning to my faith. My only guess is that is because it’s part of my foundation – and that’s due partly to having been baptized.

When I thought of Tessa’s reaction in the future when she asks if she was baptized and we say “no,” it made me think: would she feel lost? Would she feel like she didn’t have a foundation in faith? Like she didn’t have a spiritual relationship if she wanted one? I didn’t want any of those things.

And maybe because there were times when I drew so much comfort from my faith – even if that faith at times was solely meditation and daily yoga practice – I wanted the same for her. I don’t care what that looks like – and it is bound to grow, evolve and morph but I want her to have this in her core and, yes, as part of her foundation.

Sure, Tessa could rage against the machine someday. That doesn’t bother me. But I don’t want her to feel lost . . . and I do want to offer any and every avenue for comfort that’s available.

So we baptized Tessa on Valentine’s Day. It was full of love, joy . . . and faith. And Tessa was a true angel; I swear I could see wings on the cute cute cherub. And at the end of the day, she was tiiiiired.

Lying

Tessa is learning to lie – in the cutest way possible (obviously). The other day, I went to work leaving behind a sleeping Rob and Tessa. When Tessa woke up and wanted some snuggle-cuddle-loving-eske attention so, naturally, started CRYING, Rob ran upstairs to find her giggling. This video is what transpired. I absolutely love it: both for Tessa’s amazing cheeks as she smiles but also Rob’s adorable voice while he teases her about lying. Be still my heart – I love my little family.